I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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