toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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