He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The beer is more important than you right now.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
