When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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