We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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