I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
