I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
