yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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