youre lurking in front of me
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
