You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
