I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
