some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
farters have to be the big spoon...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
