My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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