Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
