i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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