he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
