So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
