All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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