3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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