my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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