You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
being pregnant is like rehab
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
