life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
