This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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