it was like his penis was on wheels.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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