I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
