mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize