My underwear smells like fireworks.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
