btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
