Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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