I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
