6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
