we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
