If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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