This dress was meant to end up on your floor
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
