im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
