just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
