We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
