i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
