I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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