I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
