We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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