I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
