I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
