I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
