I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
