My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
