I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
