Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
