he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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