Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
