her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
