I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it because I queefed?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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