apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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