I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
