I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
