Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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