I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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