he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
