so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
