I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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