So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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