wrigley field is MILF paradise
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
