i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
