im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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