I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
