You just made me feel so damn special
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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