Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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