that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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